I'm going to preface this post by saying it has absolutely nothing to do with the hockey blog. This is just the easiest way for me to post about something that I really need to get off my chest and out there. It's the most personal that you'll ever see me get.
What I'm going to write about is anxiety and depression. The duo that can really knock you on your ass quickly.
As a child, Anxiety was always there. Always. I couldn't go into a primary classroom without having mom by my side for my whole first year. She'd leave I'd cry. I didn't shake that until the first grade. But all throughout my schooling career I'd obsess over the little things. There's not going to be enough seats for me on the bus was a big one. I'd stress about it all morning. Sometimes having to get a drive to school because I simply couldn't will myself to ride the bus.
That's really as far as I'm going to dive into my childhood. But transitions were always hard from me. going from grade 9 after being in a primary to grade 9 school to high school was a massive step for me to take. I didn't really start to feel depression until late grade 11 and then early grade 12. I'd lie in bed for weeks. I just couldn't get out. In that time I'd shut off my cell phone and cut off all communication with anyone and just stare at the ceiling and spend endless hours crying. It was brutal. In my senior year, my grandfather passed away. That set me into months of depression leading to my first time being on medication for it. I got through it though. I graduated high school with a heart containing his ashes in my pocket. He'll always be my driving force as I go through life.
Anyway, the real personal stuff comes now. After seeking some counselling, having to drop out of community college for the first time because I couldn't deal with the homework stress, or just the stress of being in a classroom in general; I turned to self-harm. I was enshrouded in darkness. In 2013 of all years. The years the Red Sox and Mooseheads each won championships. It should've been the happiest time of my life but I sat in an emergency room the night that the Mooseheads played the Memorial Cup Final. I don't know what had come over me but I wanted to end my life. I didn't think I could carry on without my grandfather. I wanted to jump off the 6th floor balcony. I was all but done.
That was when I turned to a knife and used it to scar up my arms. You can see pictures of the damage if you dug far back into my instagram posts. I'm not going to attach pictures here. I regret it now, as those are permanent scars and they won't just go away. But now I look at them and think of how far I've come since I hit what I call rock bottom.
As I sit here writing this, I'm still battling anxiety and I probably always will. I've sat on the phone with mental health crisis teams and they have helped me. I also sought private counselling that's helped me grow immensely into the man that I am today. After going through a few different sets of Medications I found one that worked, and when it ran out, I made the recent decision to not have it filled. It's not that medications don't help, it's that I finally felt like I had enough support to help me deal with everything.
The trip to Toronto was also great just because it showed I can do things I didn't think possible and I can conquer this illness and it will lead to better days. There's people that are genuinely happy that I'm still on this Earth. I didn't feel that as briefly as 2 years ago. I feel like I'm surrounded with love now. It's great.
That doesn't stop the anxiety though. As I write this today I had to tell my employer about why I had to be relieved early just Sunday night, and am missing work today. But the work site I was at needed to change and it has. I think things will start looking up from here and I'll be able to battle through the anxiety and soldier on.
To all of you who supported me thank you. To all those who need support don't be afraid to talk to anyone. Life is worth living. I learned that. You can too. Mental illness is something we all need to understand and stand in front of it and not let it swallow us. I like to look at it as a temporary sickness. We're not weak, we're not crazy, we're just having a rough time that will eventually pass. Maybe we just need to change something in our lives. Happiness can be found in any dark day. Just hold on.
I'm going to add the number for the Nova Scotia mobile mental health crisis team:
Tel: 902-429-8167
Toll Free: 1-888-429-8167Use it if you need to. They will help. Just remember things like suicide are a permanent "fix" to a temporary issue. Never feel alone. Never.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
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